Miss Anne Thrope

2005-03-03T17:16:00.000-08:00

only a handful of people read this. maybe they can be counted on one hand. it's not worth the effort to post here anymore. if you want the link to my other blog, email me.

stop me if you've heard this one before...

2005-02-18T14:22:00.000-08:00

[moodcranky]
[musicjulie ruin "i want to know what love is"]
last night i was all stressed out. i got boxed in at the college and couldn't move my car and i was supposed to get some tofu for dinner for shannon but i couldn't. i was gonna yell at whoever it was until i realized it was dr. arnold, the guy who runs the poetry slams. i got home and jen and her kids were there and whitney and obsidian were there and the noise was defeaning so i left and went to jodi's. we made plaster masks and listened to joy division. much fun was had. then her and dave and i went to whit's and played "settlers" again. today was a weird day. got up a bit late, made breakfast, left early for class so i could type a paper. on my way there there was a train stopped across the street from my house. the engine car pulling the train was billowing black smoke everywhere. as i got closer i realized that it was coming out of the conductor's windows. prayed no one got hurt. went to class late because i talked to a librarian about getting a degree in library science (ashley, you made me think about it!) realized i'd forgotten half my homework at home so she told me to get it to her before two. i told her i got off work at 1 and could run it by then. spiffed up work real good because the boss was coming from ft. collins. she shows up and says he's concerned because there's been money missing out of the register when melinda's closed a couple times. we just hired a new guy named Rlee (pronounced ar-lee). I think he thinks i did it, which sucks. i didn't, and i don't want to loose my job over suspicion. so i ended up having to unpack the shipment and didn't make it in time to get my homework to my profesor. jeremy's being an ass and won't watch obsidian so whitney can teach our bellydancing class. going to the movies tonight with brittany and her friends. hope it goes well. think i might go to the punk show tonight with jodi and dave until the movie starts if i don't end up cleaning my room first.

afraid is much better than a fake forever...

2005-02-17T15:40:00.000-08:00

[moodcontemplative]
[musicjulie ruin "stay monkey"]
so excited. jodi gave me her copied version of julie ruin, and let me borrow "CD version of the first two records" now i have everything kathleen has ever done and look forward to making an MP3 CD of Bikini Kill, Julie Ruin and Le Tigre. she also gave me an "einstuertzende neubauten" CD (german "goth" band/thingy. name literally means "destroying watched obisidian yesterday. we were playing and he hid. and pissed in lyle and shannon's bed (*clears throat*) then when i left i guess i didn't shut the front door all the way so the front door was open for an hour or so. clay and i put obisidan to bed. he's so crazy. he wouldn't let me read him his favorite story "penguin dreams" (with the heroic chongo chingi) but he let clay read it. but when he went to bed he wanted a hug and kiss from me and then wouldn't let clay do either. watching him again tonight with shannon. moving out next week sometime. went by jeremy's last night to tell him that i'm now exclusive with someone i really like, since he didn't want anything long term. just hung out, he didn't get all agro or upset on me, which was nice. won't let me take jodi and dave's cat "max", even though he's housetrained and friendly. having a dance party this weekend at my house, i guess, sort of because we're all wanting to hang out, and because timmy and jake will be there. my sister is "worried" about the lifestyle i'm living. and her living with an asshole jarhead who "dismantles" nuclear weapons is not a concern of mine? my parents are "worried" about me, too, apparently. and knows that i like women because my mom grilled my sister about it and wouldn't care if was, so that takes care of that, i suppose... feel terrible that josh got hit by a car and is in terrible shape. i don't know him that well, but wish i knew him better. well, off to do other things now...

i'm not afraid of the gun in my hand, i'm just afraid it will hurt like hell...

2005-02-15T11:09:00.000-08:00

[moodcranky]
[musicthe sisters of mercy "marian"]
brittany and i had dinner and it was really nice. was supposed to get stoned with chris, dom and alyx, but that fell through. got stoned in the bath, listened to the "sisters of mercy" tape that lilly left here. listened to tori amos in the car on the way to school today. there's nothing i love more than listening to tori or bjork when it's snowing. hating the fascists giving out stupid parking tickets on campus. got $10 worth of quarters until i can figure out a way to subvert their stupid permits and meters. not wanting to do homework or go to class or go to school anymore for that matter. i'm not coming back next semester. or if i am, i'm changing my major. women's studies or something maybe. something that i can get excited about without having conservative asshole professors, or in the case of the dumb men in my spanish class, stupid ass mormon missionaries. i want to live in mexico for a year. i want to travel. had a dream last night that i train hopped with lilly and whitney. a bull stopped us and we explained that we were waiting for such and such train and showed fake tickets. they let us go. it was really beautiful. i'm moving in with whitney weekend after next. i need to find a dresser and bookshelves. whit found a bed for me. should probably start packing soon. it's in town, so i won't be driving to school anymore so i won't have to worry about stupid parking tickets. jeremy hasn't called me since the night i walked out. ist mir egal. excited to be doing something different. want to see hamlet in casper on the 4th or 5th (sorry shoni, i'm gonna miss ya!) i want brittany to come, too. my sister told my dad that i stole some stuff and so i got a lecture from him. went to the pawn shops and looked at keyboard/synthesizers. almost got a wilco/billy bragg CD but i didn't have enough cash. there was a cool keyboard that was only sixty or seventy bucks. waiting till i get paid to try it out to see if i wanna get it. told lyndsey i'd come to denver and visit her soon. denver intimdates me. so do the people. now to do german homework.

nothing's changed, i still live you, only slightly less than i used to my love...

2005-02-14T15:13:00.000-08:00

[Current mood: confused]
[Current music:the smiths "stop me if you've heard this one before"]
Nothing's changed, i still love you, only slightly less than i used to, my love... handed out flyers to a coupla people outside the vagina monologues. we got there at 10 to 6 when the show started. i wanted to be there at 5:30 but i had to wait on whit, clay and jason. oh well. bought "der krieger und die kaiserin" from hastings for $5, without a case (luckily i still had the case of the copy i had for a mural [the one that got stolen]) so that made me happy. matt was here yesterday. i avoided him as best as i could. still made me angry to see him again. made me angry he invaded my space, although his brother does live there. angry that everyone who rolled their eyes at my uneasiness and anger wasn't there during those two years of hell being in love with him and have no idea what i put myself through and what he put me through. played cranium with jodi and dave. might be going out with brittany tonight. whit said jake is coming up to see clay. i have a feeling this week will be one emotional overhaul or another. listened to the mix tape that dan moore (aka "the english teacher") made me when we were dating. still good stuff on it. still love "cause a rockslide" and "everybody's stalking" by badly drawn boy. listened to the smiths for four hours at work. is that healthy? moving in with whitney soon i guess. then i got stoned in the bath and listened to jake's mixtape for me because i wanted to listen to the buzzcocks song on it. i don't know what to say or how to say it. i hate purgatory.

skin is where this revolution is gonna begin, touching one woman at a time...

2005-02-12T11:11:00.000-08:00

[ mood | loved ]
[ music | smiths "what difference does it make?" ]

weird coupla days. fought with jeremy, walked out without saying goodbye because he's fucking ASSHOLE to whitney but oh so nice to me. i got halfway down the road and realized i didn't want to leave mad and i was cold so i went back and talked it out. he was really upset that i walked out, had tears in his eyes, which was disturbing. then i've dreamed about the same guy two nights in a row, who looks almost exactly like zeke and will, the brother of ben whatshisname from casper (shoni'll know, sean's friend?) but isn't zeke. someone i've never met before. oh so devestatingly gorgeous and sweet. will came into the store yesterday on his way to denver going to see social D. realized he's not as much younger as i thought he was, only two years. i remarked today that chris from med bow was only 19 (i thought he was older than me) and alyx said "ohhh, robbing the cradle" and all i could do was roll my eyes. Why does age trip people up so bad? I don't understand it either, and i'm guilty of it.
i had dinner with brit, jodi, dave, jason, whitney, clay and shannon at jodi and daves last night. ben called me. i love ben, in more of a platonic way than anything else. i've never heard him talk bad about anyone, he's always smiling, and nothing seems to bother him too much. what a beautiful person. then we came to our house and watched half of citizen kane and everyone was falling asleep so we had a sleepover. drove brit to work this morning. at work now myself. saw the crazy guy who speaks french arguing with the employees at the soup kitchen. what kind of an asshole gets himself kicked out of a soup kitchen? no one would hand out flyers at the vagina monologues for me because i have to work. everyone can do it later in the evening, but no one will do it without me. i just made the flyers. clay's right, it is frustrating: the only really important thing going on in our community and no one steps up to combat it. no one helped do the flyers. they went to the spectrum meetings, and jen from WAN and SPECTRUM was cool about it. i wish i wasn't alone in this. i don't understand why clay and jason "didn't feel comfortable handing out the flyers ourselves" not my decision to make. oh well, we'll try tonight and see what happens. smiling like it's no one's business. can i rewind this tape to see you again???? please?????

a rock and a hard place wait for me, between the devil and the deep blue sea...

2005-02-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

[moodconfused]
[musicsisters of mercy "rock and a hard place" ]
wow. i really need to sit down and think. so many things are going on that my head is spinning. on one hand i have a pretty chill arrangement with someone i get along with pretty well, and possibly evolving into something more, but with my perpetual fear of fucking up and incurring the wrath i've seen dealt to others with the same fate. someone who really likes me, but who runs the spectrum of cold as ice to all sorts of fiery with rage. i've seen both, which has made me very wary of this arrangement in the first place. that and the loss of community and beloved friends because of isolation. then there's the route my body and mind wants to take, someone who SAYS they like me, we have the opportunity to explore new parts of ourselves and each other, but their friends don't like or understand me, though my friends adore them, and i will also be isolated. also, and although it's not that big of a deal, i don't seem very high on their priorities, like i'm just something fun they can toy around with, which i don't like. i'm very confused right now. both are dangerous situations....

is neither an option? do i have to choose in the first place? can i just not choose? there is no easy way out of this one, really.

shout, shout, let it all out

2005-02-05T14:36:00.000-08:00

[ mood | anxious ]
[ music | tears for fears "shout" ]

listening to 80's retro on internet radio. they played "frankly mr. shankly" by the smiths and "it's called a heart" by depeche mode already (*drools*) anyway. so jeremy, obsidian and i had dinner at sweet melissa's yesterday, went and played "settlers of cattan" at trinity with whitney. went to an event for black history month (poetry, step dancing) at UW. on the way i was at a stop light and saw alyssa in the lane next to me and she jumped out of her car to say "i love you meg!" i told her i'd call her and i called her today. and then then brit called and we went to whit's to do a puzzle. it was so fun. i'm sad to see lily go. today i had to work. i called alyssa and we talked for a half an hour. i luv her so much! she's so great! then this guy came in on crutches, he's only got one leg, looks kinda like a home bum. he's trying to sell me this cleaning product and i let him go through his promotion without interruption, then i explain that i don't have any money and he gets really angry and starts ranting about how he'll give me a deal, and i tell him i can't and he starts yelling about how dirty it is in the store and leaves, and keeps walking by the store and screaming at me. i was pretty scared for awhile, it seems like he's gone. still freaked out. i miss andrea! she told me she had a crush on me in high school. stupid me for being shy, i had a crush on her, too! grrr! oh well. that made my day, for sure. jodi and dave came by the store. i want to play settlers again tonight. that's all folks!

every woman adores a fascist, the boot in the face, the brute, brute heart of a brute like you

2005-02-04T13:02:00.000-08:00

[ mood | listless ]
[ music | the smiths "william, it was really nothing" ]

reading sylvia plath today. i was thinking about rosemary powers and how she performed the poems "daddy" and "lady lazarus" in debate in high school. weird dream last night that marc, heather from ft collins' ex, was dating lyndsey (bespeckledbabe) and i was like "wtf, he's a creep, why would you do that?" in front of him and lyndsey said it was because she was lonely. i watched him mutilate a homeless cat (he broke its leg) and then tried to shove lyndsey in the car and so i beat the shit ouf of him. 'nuff said. i tried to take the cat home but it was very sick and i had no money for a vet. BI-zarre. weird limbo state again. not sure where my head or heart is these days. usually in the clouds.

don't say that you love me... just tell me that you want me...

2005-02-03T15:29:00.000-08:00

[mood | cranky ]
[music | fleetwood mac "tusk"]
tusk came on the radio this morning when i was on my way to class. what a sexy, beautiful song. i love fleetwood mac. i have a bunch of their stuff on vinyl. i listened to the cars today, too. what a great album: let the good times roll, my best friend's girl, just what i needed, you're all i've got tonight, bye bye love and moving in stereo. mmm... talked to brit for half an hour last night, over our situations and stuff in general. it was great. i love talking to her. most sagitarrians have a way of making jokes to lighten the situation at inappropriate times and end up hurting my feelings, but not her. she has such a great sense of humor. my grandfather had surgery today... still no word yet on the results, i hated having to go to class today. i'm pretty worried about this surgery. he's only 65 or so, but he has diabetes and a bad heart, so it'll take a while to get back into health, if at all. as it is he only sits around and watches TV anyway. i wish he would do more. that's why they moved from california: having 17 acres in the mountains in nor. cal. is too much for one woman to handle, even my gramma, who kicks major ass. i work at both jobs tomorrow. nothing to do all weekend, except bowling, to speak of. maybe something interesting will come up. hung out with jen and rhonda last night and watched "supersize me." i need to hang out with the community more on one-on-one terms and get to know them better.

she takes the pills to fall asleep and dream that she's invisible

2005-02-02T13:48:00.000-08:00

[Current mood guilty]
[Current music jack off jill "vivica"]
she takes the pills to fall asleep and dream that she's invisible
tormented dreams, she stays awake, recalls when she was capable...
talked to whitney last night, after we both had time to think about things. went well (at least i thought it did), realized a few things about myself, things i need to work on. the only time i really feel understood is when people call me out. she was right about almost everything. it was okay when i was just being self-destructive, but now it's moved on to insensitivity to the people i love and care about. jeremy called and i went over there to talk to him, to see how i felt about things and where he was and if we were on the same page. fell asleep on the couch. he woke me up about quarter to midnight and said he was going to bed, that i could stay over if i wanted to. i didn't; i drove home, cold, listening to radiohead (blaming this whole disaster on thom york won't help). went home to sleep in my own bed with no regrets. and i know a lot of this is hurt and a feeling of powerlessness over my past couple relationships manifesting itself. maybe it's the hole were matt used to be begging to be filled. but i won't fill it; after two years of obsession, pipe dreams and "what ifs" and "what might have been"'s, i will never fill that again with another person. i will fill it with my own self-confidence and love. it will take a while to recover from this, to make it up to everyone i've hurt in the process... myself included...

2005-02-01T08:26:00.000-08:00

[moodconfused]
[musicdepeche mode "policy of truth"]

You had something to hide
Should have hidden it, shouldn’t you
Now you’re not satisfied
With what you’re being put throughI
t’s just time to pay the price
For not listening to advice
And deciding in your youth
On the policy of truth
Things could be so different now
It used to be so civilised
You will always wonder how
It could have been if you’d only lied
It’s too late to change events
It’s time to face the consequence
For delivering the proof
In the policy of truth
Never again is what you swore
The time before
Now you’re standing there tongue tied
You’d better learn your lesson well
Hide what you have to hide
And tell what you have to tell
You’ll see your problems multiplied
If you continually decide
To faithfully pursue
The policy of truth

wow i'm a fuck up. i was intentionally sarcastic and mean to the only man who's ever loved me yesterday, and he forgave me. goddess bless pat. and i opened a can of worms that probably shouldn't have ever been taken off the shelf. he can have my body, love, but only you, grrrl, can have my heart.

i'm sinking... and so i trick myself, just like everybody else...

2005-01-31T13:34:00.000-08:00

[mooddepressed]
[musicthe cure "sinking"]
too much of the smiths and the cure today. was supposed to help out with obsidian but i can barely keep my eyes open or from being full of tears. devestatingly depressed and i can't figure out why. all of the sudden, around 11, BOOM! and it's just gotten worse since 11. a doppelganger that is demanding to be let out, perhaps. maybe the same kind of doppelganger as miss alma (bekah will be the only one to catch the reference). i'm so frustrated and depressed i want to explode. maybe i will. one can only hope. so many things i want to scream, to demand, but afraid of offending or alienating. i don't even know why i'm posting this. goodbye.

got so far to go...

2005-01-29T10:40:00.000-08:00

[ mood | sleepy ]
[ music | the cure "sinking" ]

went to poetry last night. waited for whit to drop obsidian off with jeremy. he says he's moving to denver and that he'll still see obsidian sometimes. typical asshole priveleged males, picking up and running away from their problems. i'm supposed to hang out with him tonight. he'll be getting an earful from me for sure. poetry was good. bummed 'cause mark and brit were out first round. i was out the second round. emily cram and niki elder tied and decided to share the prize. i thought that was amazing, and a good example to be set. five people i went to high school with, none of whom i was close to were there, too, and the first poem i read was about having no sexual preference or concrete gender identity. kind of intimidating, but they're just dumb people. glad the sexist pig that referred to woman as "skanks" and "skunks" got points taken off for using a prop. talked to some really amazing people. met a guy named kyle who reminded me a lot of jake. and two really cool cats named jodi and dave who came and played settlers at whitney's with jason, clay whit and i while lily watched. lily leaves on wednesday, which sucks for us, because we're gonna miss her. not much else to say. gonna eat my lunch and then get to work.

feminists we're calling you, please report to the front desk...

2005-01-28T13:34:00.000-08:00

so the woman who's directing the vagina monologues came into mellow yellow for the tax form for our donation. i mentioned that ft. lewis, where clay went to college, isn't doing the transgendered monologue (which was new this year) and she said they weren't doing it either because she was afraid "people will walk out." so the laramie kids are organizing against this. any suggestions, declarations of solidarity, etc are welcome. fuck this. by not giving transgendered or differently gendered folk a voice, and not allowing them spaces or opportunities to use it, is saying it's okay to descrinimate, and that encourages violence, too. grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.............

if it isn't her, it isn't here...

2005-01-27T08:22:00.000-08:00

[moodcrushed]
[musicani d "if it isn't her"]
(*sigh*) so last night i hung out with brit, had dinner, met her dad, all sorts of happy stuff, went to her house and watched "reality bites" and talked about poetry. waited at trinity for lyle to pick me up. until around 10:00, which is roughly an hour or so after he was supposed to. i call; "i'm sorry, i forgot to pick you up. Do you WANT to come home?" (wish i knew how to italicize)... there's some things i've been unearthing lately, things that i hadn't thought about in years, things i didn't know i still remembered. like my parents wanting to take my sister and i to yosemite in so.cal. out of guilt from ignoring us because of their working all the time to spend the money on drugs and not the family. but my mom REFUSED to go because her dealer hadn't gotten there yet and we were going to wait for him. a six year old and a five year old. in a driveway, in a car, for five hours. or when my mother promised to take us to the zoo and my sister and i sat by the door all day, backpacks strapped. my grandmother cried for us. we didn't know any better. we just KNEW she was coming. she didn't. she forgot. or james and matt being late to EVERYTHING we ever went to. hence my hatred for tardiness. this was the second time lyle forgot to pick me up in a month. i rode my bike in today. i won't ask for a ride again. things like that just hurt too much. and i can't go to the zine meeting in boulder because whit, clay and jason are leaving saturday for a thing in ft. collins and then going to boulder, but i can't go because i have to work, and jen and travis aren't going so i can't get a ride with them. abandonment issues like wow. but on a happier note my car is registered and soon to be insured (i hate depending on people for rides), and my poems are done (for the most part) for the slam and lots of other wonderful people have been nice to me in the past couple days.

all you need to know is we love to see the crowd move...

2005-01-24T15:29:00.000-08:00

[moodsleepy]
[musicle tigre "mediocrity rules"]
went to denver with jeremy. ate at the watercourse, walked around for a bit before the show, talked to "this bike is a pipebomb" and they wanted to play a show in laramie so he offered them his backyard. (they wanted to cross wyoming off their list of states not played yet) the show was great. so many wonderful women at that show that i couldn't muster the nerve to speak to. nummy, zeke, timmy, chainsaw, molly, asshole john, linda and a buncha other cool cats were there. got mad because some girl i didn't know called jake "a little kid." had a dream about hier last night. i had a dream ze was wearing a dress to the show and i had given hier a ride and as we were about to go home, some skinheads jumped hier while i was still inside and were beating hier up. i came outside to find hier all beautiful in a red dress, blood gushing down hier face, so i pulled out a gun and shot one of them in the foot and the others took off. i carried hier back to my car and drove hier to the hospital. that's all i remember. got home at three this morning with homework left to do, slept through my alarm, woke up in time for work, did my homework at work and then dropped it by my profs' offices. it sucks, i'm gonna miss linda's going away party. but i think jeremy is starting to chill out. he invited clay and whitney to the show at his house, although he maintains that he doesn't want to be friends with either of them. it was whit, clay and obsidian, rhonda and brian and their kids, jen and travis and their kids, jeremy and jason (i had to work and missed it, which sucked) at the show. i can see why whit doesn't like jeremy; his personality is very acerbic and he is always right. but he's got some good points about him, i suppose. i like hanging out with him okay, and i make it clear i don't like how he treats whit and by extension, clay. hopeful something good will come out of this friendship. off to relax somewhere. need to call some friends i haven't talked to in awhile. need to run some more errands.

dreaming of me...
[Jan. 21st, 200501:06 pm]
[moodcrazy]
[musicle tigre "fake french"]
last night i had a creepy unbelieveable dream. i had a dream i was at rest stop of sorts. there was snow outside, but it wasn't snowing. the roads were clear. i was hitch hiking somewhere, or getting ready to. a trucker lunges out of his truck and says "why don't you come with me? i got something really nice for you," and his friend hops out of the passenger seat and holds me while the guy holds a knife to my neck and slices me deep enough to make me bleed a lot, but not kill me. i start screaming and they try to stifle me, but travis and jen come around the corner. travis says "is there a problem here?" with his hand on his hip bag. the guy lets go of me and they take off running. jen and travis grab hold of me and do the same. then i dreamt about someone in our community kissing me, which i don't care to repeat on here. i bought an abdominal binder from work yesterday. it's designed for prengnant woman so their bellies don't sag (i think so anyway, to give them support) but works nicely if you don't want boobs. i never realized just how big mine were until yesterday when i was trying to minimize them. last night at shari's a kid came up to me, looked real closely at me, and then as i was walking out looked at his mother and asked "mom, was that a boy or a girl?" his mother shrugged. this beautiful woman was sitting across from our table studying spanish (i think) she kept looking at me and smiling. even after she heard whitney say my actual name. i kept smiling back. i love when that happens. it never goes anyway, but leaves you feeling great. going to sushi with ben and linus and brit and everyone on saturday after work. jason will be here too. i'm excited. we're going to ride bikes together. it's going to be fabulous! i finished stone butch blues and am reading "gender outlaw" by kate boernstein (sp?) it's great. one of the only books the Rainbow Resource Room had that didn't refer to transgenders as "gender dysmorphic" (which implies a sickness, which is ignorant and untrue) i really like it. gonna go by there after here (the computer lab in the campus library) to look at more books and see who's working and then i'm going to try to nap at whitney's. and i'm getting a car for $150 today, i hope i hope. it's worth a lot, but the guy doesn't want to deal with it anymore, and lyle knows how to fix it. feeling great again.

i know i'm unloveable, you don't have to tell me...

2005-01-22T10:04:00.000-08:00

yesterday, after about 9:00 p.m., i had the most frustrating day. i hear from someone i'm close to that some people who weren't even named have been talking about how i'm hard to warm up to, that they don't like me. whatevs. ist mir egal. i just wish they had the conviction to say it to my face, rather than talk to other people about it, instead of acting nice like nothing's wrong. one thing i pride jen and whitney on, they've made a concerted effort that if they're going to say something about someone, they always make sure they say it to their faces so that things don't get around and piss people off. we've made it a concern to make sure that we're open about things that are going wrong. then i couldn't get my bike seat to raise, and i couldn't get a ride to watch whit and jen and mandy dance. so i just got pissed off and took a bath. i'm still pissed this morning. and will be pissed for awhile, methinks. i'm going to stay home and clean my room today. still not sure if i want to go to sushi anymore. i guess we'll see when it gets closer to that time.

this is how it feels, calling out but no one ever hears...

2005-01-18T08:38:00.000-08:00

[ mood cranky ]
[ music thursday "signals over the air" ]
is this how it feelswhen you dont even fit into your own skin?and its getting tighter,every day i'm getting smallerif i keep holding my breath i'm going to disappear.Je suis L'Hermitesse. I was starting to feel okay again. Everytime i feel i start to fit in, start to feel like this is where i want to be, something fucks it up. usually me. not this time, though. my whole life i've had really close friends, very few of them, but they were there all the same. in elementary school and middle school i had melissa and crystal. in high school it was miranda, becky, holly, john, and although distant, shoni. in college i had shoni, lyndsey, ashley (when we weren't fighting) and sometimes katie. i just don't feel that kinship here. i've tried; no one has "time" for friendships, or doesn't seem to want one, or i feel really intimidated and don't bother trying. that's the worst thing: being part of a community, and yet feeling so very isolated, and never wanting to talk to or even branch out from said community because you feel stupid or people have said things that make you feel stupid or have humiliated you. and i've branched out, or attempted to, at least, and i just get tired and frustrated of correcting people's language (the use of the word bitch to define women who are less than docile), their assumptions about everything (i.e. chance asking the person next to us in line if they were male or female and me telling him not to be so fucking rude and that it's none of his business). i want to go home and sleep.

nanny nanny boo boo

2005-01-17T14:23:00.000-08:00

[ mood | naughty ]
[ music | le tigre "nanny nanny boo boo" ]

friday night chance and i decided to go clubbing at static in ft. collins. i saw a million people there i knew from high school debate. decided to go the next night and it sucked, especially because it was "wyoming" night and wyoming ID's get in for half price. so we decided to go to this party over on stuart and le may (kinda) that his friend heather was going to, and we went there, and it was by far the LAMEST party ever. even lamer than the party i ended up at with jacob, heather, marc and dave where i called this manarchist out on his sexism and he freaked out and claimed he wasn't (he wouldn't let me speak at all during "our" conversation) at any rate, i was pissed, especially since chance was supposed to be my ride home and he was drinking a lot and wasn't going to be able to drive us home. that and he says "you need to drink and chill out" (first of all, i hate the assumption i need alcohol to "chill out" and have a good time) and i told him no, i don't drink at parties where i don't know anyone, especially if there was a lot of men. and there were. lots. lots of rich as fuck, abercrombie and fitch wearing dumbass frat boys. most of them white. and chance said "oh, i'll take care of you." i just had to roll my eyes. so i flipped through the numbers in my phone and phone Matt G.'s number and called him and he came and rescued me. we went out for a late bite to eat at the waffelhouse and came back to the party to get my stuff because matt said i could crash at the smith house and he would drive me home the next day. chance was passed out on the couch. i told him i was staying with matt and that i would be riding home with matt. chance calls me the next day to see if i need a ride home and if i'm "all right" (not that he fuckin' cares) and basically was just seeing if i was riding with him so i could give him gas money. i told him no, that i was riding with matt. he didn't understand why i was mad. i don't care that the party was lame, i care that he had absolutely no regard for me or my level of comfort and made me feel stupid for not wanting to hang out with a bunch of sexists (as i was leaving, i heard a guy complaining "she wouldn't even let me sniff her panties! fucking bitch!"). matt drove me home and then he and whitney and clay and lyle and shannon and i played "setllers of catan" at trinity coffee shop, then went to whitney's to watch "napoleon dynamite" and then came back and went to sleep. then got up and made breakfast and he took me to the soup kitchen to pick up groceries and then dropped me at the house and went home. now i'm at work, waiting for the mlk march to start. got the new le tigre CD and absolutely LOVE IT. i can't stop listening to it. things are good. might be going out with brittany tonight. talked to meg stith. good to have people still in contact with me from casper.

gender game by alix olson

2005-01-11T09:20:00.000-08:00

[ mood | contemplative ]
[ music | alix olson "gender game" ]

You wanna give me a shiner
Cause I look like this
And I got a vagina?
See, I’m familiar with this Gender Game,
I’ve played this war many times before
On this playground called my identity
When puberty hit like dodge balls
And freeze-tagged as sissy-fagged
My best friend dissed me- common interests,
Different anatomy.
See, vagina meant quieter, caretaker, peacemaker.
Vagina meant keeping lips closed, keeping bodies posed.
Vagina was silent dolls and no action toys,
Vagina was punches when I played with the boys.
So I learned to take it in the stomach, I learned to Fight to make friends.
And as I learned to make that bullshit end,
Vagina became a slippery slide for my little finger
Vagina became a quiver that lingered,
Vagina became what I looked for, worked for, stood for,
I "Viva La Vagina’d all over the place!"
I revitalized Vagina’s grace, I discovered vagina’s taste.
I became a fine diner. Put my face in vagina after vagina.
And then I was faced with some other lipservice
Putting me in my place
That Vagina should not be liberator.
But dictator.
Of the shoes we wear. The hair we crop.
The palms we clasp. The way we walk.
The space we use. The threads we choose.
Well, I refuse to follow suit.
Cause I gotta confess, my straight jacket is a dress.
You know it used to be a crime
To wear clothes that didn’t scream
"Vagin-A!"
I wear these shoes so I can move with my own easy spirit.
I don’t shave my legs cause
It gets cold. Besides, my legs rebel
Against the bloody hell of
Shaved and sliced
And since when is my body hair something to judge?
Is furry a male privilege-
Or a patriarchal plot by gillette?
I don’t cut my nails cause I’ve got hammering to do.
I’m pounding out my path as I cruise this gender landscape,
As I peruse the choice between silence and
Violence.
Matthew Shepard was bent, so you hang him to a fence,
Brandon Teena was murdered as a liar for hiding his
Vagina. And I can’t even sit
In a restaurant without causing a stir:
"Whaddya have sir? Whaddya have sir? Whaddya have sir?"
I have a Vagina!
Yes, I’ve got a vagina and you can still call me sir,
Cause I can’t cure
This visual disease of yours.
But I don’t give a damn about "Sir" or "Ma’am".
So, in the "F" or "M" boxes they give,
I forgive myself for not fitting in
And blame the world for lack of clarity.
I deliberate.
Penis? I got one y’know. I write down "d" for dildo,
I write down "D" for
"Don’t know," I fill in "F" for
fi-fie-foe male!
Yes, I’m a giant Vagina!
And I am too big for these boxes they give,
Too real for this Gender Toyland
Built over soiled contradictions
With Barbie bricks and Ken cornerstones
Built over the skulls and bones of our Transgendered Ancestors.
Danger:
She-men working above. And beyond. You.
Yes, we are Deconstruction Workers.
We are exposing unfounded bedrocks
That bed us to one sex, that wed us to one gender.
We are overturning those stones,
We are throwing them back.
We are making revolution
A gender evolution.
We are invoking strategy, we are revoking shame.
And we are calling it. We are calling it
Refusal to be Named.
first day of actual riding around town in the snow. interesting to say the least, i didn't crash though. i've discovered on day two of class i'm going to hate my german professor. he's very conservative, and whenever I mispronounce a word or give it the wrong article he rolls his eyes and corrects me, but everyone else he answers with encouragement. went to the rainbow resource room, almost nothing on genderqueers. a bunch on trans stuff, no genderqueers. i left them a note. megan called me yesterday because she was hanging with brit and she was talking about me (!) and meg told me to come by and see her there but she wasn't there. i'm going to start going by mickey instead of meg. i've taken to wearing sports bras, no makeup... what i love about the german langauge: they have a neuter pronoun. a sexless pronoun. think i will change my pronoun to "es" instead of she. "ihm" instead of "her" und das Frau (das is the sexless pronoun, Frau is the word for woman) i like what lily said about being a genderqueer... it is about not being locked down to a gender, not necessarily "passing" for either sex, or even an inbetweener. i like that. i don't want to be a man. i don't want to look like one. i just want to be as genderless as possible, hence why my interest is in genderqueer and not transgender. i'm thankful for the wonderful people around me and their wonderful discussions and information and support. i love laramie. sorry, this is mostly internal musings. but i really think i will start going by mickey. not only for the pseudo-genderless name, but for security reasons, too.

teacher stands in front of the class, but the lesson plans he can't recall

2005-01-10T14:29:00.000-08:00

[ mood | accomplished ]
[ music | and the bells from the chapel go jingle, jangle... ]

wow. i haven't listened to RATM in a long time. first day of class rocked. only spent $200 on books (only, fuck the university!) german class was a bit of a terror, seeing as i haven't spoken german in a classroom setting for a year and a half, but i managed. spanish rocked my socks off. talked to a guy from france for awhile (he's in my spanish class) he offered to help me out to continue to study french, which RAWKS! jazzed about school, incidentally, in that "i can seperate the bullshit from the stuff i can use" way. i luv learning. wow. i'll shut up now. dork.

we can go for a walk where it's quiet and dry, and talking about precious things...

2005-01-08T13:33:00.000-08:00

Current mood: mischievous
Current music: the smiths "the queen is dead"

we can go for a walk where it's quiet and dry, and talk about precious things...
so i spent the night at whitney's, after buying "even cowgirls get the blues" on DVD yesterday. it was AWESOME. omg, for Uma Thurman, it's virtually impossible to make a bad movie (well, there was that one batman movie...) read a bunch of zines on consent, sexual assault, trans/genderqueer info that lily had and really enjoyed them, especially how i began to think about where i define consent, and where i've overstepped boundaries, and something i need to work on. i also like the idea of being genderless. i feel strangely liberated when i feel that people can't tell or categorize me. definitely need to look more into that. been thinking about starting to go by "mickey" instead of my name for awhile now. it's genderless, essentially, and for security reasons, etc. that's what i love the german language, they have sexless pronouns. "das" is "neuter". i think i will ask my professors and classmates to use that in german class. had a dream last night that i was in the backseat of a car going somewhere and heather from ft. collins was sitting next to me, and salt n pepa started playing "somma time man" about a guy who cheats on her all the time and we started rapping and being all silly and then we busted out laughing and she hugged me. bizarre, to say the least. don't know how to feel about or interpret that dream.
i biked to the soup kitchen from whitney's, and on fridays and saturdays jeffry cooks some kick ass vegan food. i sat across from this person who was sporting red and blue bandanas on their leg, one crazy earring and piercings, crazy eyeliner, total bohemian. got to talking. his name is chance and he went to high school in sheridan and cheyenne, but is living out of his truck here in laramie. we stood on the trainbridge and talked for about half an hour, drank chai, talked about all sorts of things. he's got the symbol for "cancer" tattooed on the back of his neck and a celtic triad on his right hip. he was going to go help jeffry rebuild his wigwam over by the river today. he asked for my number and i gave it to him. he was pretty fucking cool. best time i've had in i can't remember how long. at least four or five months.

du bist nicht der Mittelpunkt des Universums, du bist nur ein Arsch im Raum der Zeit

2005-01-07T14:11:00.000-08:00

[ mood | silly ]
[ music | wizo "Raum der Zeit" ]

school starts in a couple days. which means i have to start getting up around quarter after 6 so as to have enough time to bike in (my first class is at 8). the last time i saw that time of day was when i was on night shift at the coal mines. (*groan*) cleaned house today, listening to the smiths. hung out at med bow and read until it was time to go to work. three people commented on me reading "skinny legs and all" by tom robbins, and i was only there a half an hour. they all said they loved it. chris was serving someone and stuck his tongue out at me and i said "there's something about a guy who wears wranglers with skate shoes" and he grabbed his ass like "isn't it hot?" it was pretty funny. is it wrong to think almost everyone who works there is hot? knitting some legwarmers. i went to big gay jims (yes, that is what he goes by, i did not give him this name) and watched Lord of the Rings: Return of the King extended version (FOUR HOURS LONG!) cuddled with brittany. made obscene jokes about sam wanting to put it in frodo's butt which caused Brittany to spasm with laughter next to me, and no one was any the wiser. community meeting tomorrow night, i think. the zine meeting in boulder is cancelled because whit and jen can't go. not much else going on.

das Goldenes Stueck Scheisse

2005-01-05T13:36:00.000-08:00

Current mood: amused
Current music: das leben ist ein Hund beim mein Lieblingsgruppe, Wizo.

Und wenn jetzt die braune Nazibrut
gegen Minderheiten hetzt, giesst Ihr Öl ins Feuer
und Ihr kundert(??) kurz das Grundgesetz
Und der kleine Vollidiot
mit seinem Brandsatz in der Hand
fuellt sich als legitimer Recher seines Vaterlands

And now when the brown Nazi brood
baits minorities
you pour oil into the fire
when you weaken the laws protecting refugees
And the small idiot
with his molotov cocktail in hand
feels like the legitimate avenger of his fatherland

about as poetic as german punk gets :D i love WIZO. especially when the name of their songs are "Doof Wie Scheisse" (dumb as shit) "Das Goldenes Stueck Scheisse" (golden piece of shit) "Das Leben ist ein Hund" (Life is a Dog, i.e. i think this is a play on "life's a b*tch", but a friendlier, less sexist version) etc. at the end of that song, they sing in spanish, it's hilarious! and they do a cover of ace of base's "all that she wants" in english, kinda ska-like. it's great. man that's put me in a great mood.

love him so much it just turns to hate...

2005-01-05T10:07:00.000-08:00

[ mood | aggravated ]
[ music | silence of work ]

sold my volkswagen for $300. getting a car worth $2000 for $200, possibly, because the guy doesn't know what's wrong with it, and lyle does, and it only costs like thirty dollars and the guy doesn't want to bother messing with it. there's no way i can ride all winter down that residential road; i'll be killed, no doubt. sick yesterday with the worst stomach ache ever. i don't think my tummy appreciates all the beer i've been drinking lately. had to work for nine hours, too. the mailman caught me sleeping in the lounge chair at mellow yellow. hahahaha. reading another tom robbins book "another roadside attraction" i'm so in love with his books! then i think i'm going to move on to thoreau and emerson. school starts the 10th. i have a feeling that i'm going to hate it just as much as it hates me. dominick from med bow natural foods has been talking about how he thinks i'm one of the coolest girls ever to one of his coworkers. his roommate is cute, too. but i have little to no interest in men, especially men not dedicated to eradicating sexism, save a select few, at least for an actual relationship, anyway. i posted on my livejournal about how much i hate it because people who've done some fucked up things still read it, who still have me on their friends list, when they're not really friends at all.

point in case: jake and i dated for awhile. then he fell in love with his friend heather. i was ok with this (ok as one can be in these situations) until he basically started ignoring me. i.e. he called her when he wasn't allowed to use the phone one weekend, while i was standing right there, and never called me. so i broke up with him. then i went to ft. collins to hang out with her, but she had to work, so i ended up hanging with HER boyfriend, who was taking it worse than i was. we drank a couple beers, laid in his bed, listened to music. apparently, that was the worst thing i could've ever done, because she hates me, and subsequently, has brainwashed jake into hating me. it's funny because, oh, did i forget to mention, SHE MADE OUT WITH HIM WHILE WE WERE MONOGAMOUS?! and i'm the bad person for drinking a beer and cuddling?! i don't like posting on livejournal because i know he reads it, and all of his friends read it, and i don't want them talking about me, especially to her. although his friends pretend to be my friends, i know they're not. i know they hate me because of heather. and that's ok, because obviously they're not worthwhile anyway if they take her side without hearing mine. or maybe i'm just paranoid. maybe they don't care that much. jake hasn't REALLY spoken to me in three months. i've stayed at his house twice since then for protests or whatever in denver. he said he's sorry and that he wants to see me, but when i see him, he basically ignores me. why should i care, they're just lameass high school age kids who don't know shit from fuck about life yet. but i digress. i'm done now. i swear.

2005-01-03T09:37:00.000-08:00

[moodcranky]
[musiclibrary talk... ]

the party was great, albeit a little too interesting for my tastes. the boulder kids came up. mike came by for awhile, after that, it was the usual suspects. danced a lot. drank a lot, showered drunk. accidentally flashed my roommate, seen naked by another (he was pissing while i was getting out of the shower). yeah, nothing like the only single guy in the room flirting with your best friend in front of her boyfriend for starting out the new year! WOOO! (*extreme sarcasm*) finished "house of leaves" last night. tried to read it in high school and almost finished it but never did. school starts in a week. i've done almost nothing creative or constructive these past months besides read and crochet, get drunk or whatever. now my time will be taken by school and work. c'est la vie. maybe it'll keep my mind off other things. a way to channel my energy, i suppose. if only...... nothing like unrequited lust to get you up in the morning.

FLY FATASS FLY!

2004-12-28T13:47:00.000-08:00

[ mood | blah ]
[ music | whitney singing. ]

hahaha! my lobes are stretched to a 6 gauge now. my ears look huge. last night i went over to brittany's to watch "mallrats" and drink tea and cuddle. mmmm... i think the cook at med bow is flirting with me. he always comes out of the kitchen to talk to me whenever i come in. got some records for the party from the flea market: duran duran, flock of seagulls, heart, etc. oh yeah. my day is complete. the party is gonna be so great. i'm so excited. still haven't decided what i want to wear yet. had a dream that alex from the ghost ship cut his hair and it was really short and he and i went to a party, and cameron maris (who i dated YEARS ago) grabbed me and i yelled at him. pat and john webb emailed me to tell me how much they missed me. pat is coming to visit me (JUST me, apparently) before school starts. not sure how i feel right now. kind of numb, weird limbo feeling. waiting for the miracle to come...

bigmouth strikes again

2004-12-26T23:25:00.000-08:00

"bigmouth blurted it out, bigmouth strikes again, and i've got no right to take my place with the human race..."

--the smiths "bigmouth strikes again"

If only I wasn't so vulnerable. if only i wasn't so insecure and could voice my intentions. If only I didn't relegate myself to inappropriate comments or gestures to embarrass myself before anyone else can; before they can break my heart. If only I didn't rely on someone's sexual attraction to me as proof they like or care about me, when usually the opposite is true. If only I didn't alienate or offend those that could possibly change the course of my life forever. If only i had self-control to stop myself before I voluntarily do stupid things to purposely ruin myself.

Not ready yet. Precisely why I've avoided situations like this. Not just yet. I still ned to discover the hidden parts of myself, things surpressed become more comfortable wth myself and being alone, moreso than I already am, before i try to start anything new. Precisely why I've thus far avoided meeting new people. Now I've got two equally wonderful admirations, neither of which seem as if they'll pan out. One because, well, to put it bluntly, she's "straight" and the other, well, let's just say that my attraction is devestating, and our encounters so closely border platonicity and sensuality (at least for me) that i can barely contain myself and act like a dunce in front of said person because his beauty and his acumen leave me speechless. So egal, it's probably for the best anyway. They are not possessions; I feel equally as lucky to have them as part of my circle of friends, regardless of any romantic affiliations.

I have made a complete ass of myself tonight. Perhaps I will eventually redeem myself, but for right now, all i want to do is crawl in a hole and hide. or die.

and what if?

2004-12-24T22:19:00.000-08:00

Current mood: amused
Current music: investigative TV at my grandparent's house

and what if?
had "love in itself" by depeche mode stuck in my head for two days now. i love that song. strange night last night. sat with my tarot cards, their vague but hopeful advice laid out before me, my cell phone in my hand to scroll through my contacts to call. looked at the name, the number. pressed "exit" and set it back on the bed and sighed. couldn't bring myself to call it, just to hear the voice on the other end, but didn't want to interrupt family festivities. i've come too far now. i can't make myself vulnerable again for awhile. not yet. no, not yet.

realized a couple things about my extended family tonight...
1) my cousin debbie and her husband ross are more self-sufficient and less dependant on capitalism than most anarchists i know. they garden, barely drive, they make most of their household items, etc. they live in VERY rural wyoming, manville, population 25.
2) there's a reason i'm a pervert. i'm from a long line of perverts. for instance, my grandmother stitched a green bay packers sweater for my cousin erica and my grandpa said "i hope you're happy. i didn't get any for a week 'cause of that damn thing. or the week before that." my great aunt gave my stepdad viagra as a joke. bought my mom a sex kit. :S
3) despite their utter redneck-ness, their great. my uncle eric, about as right-wing as they get, just shakes his head at me. he said "you need to sue your hairdresser." my grandfather said "you look like someone took a woodchipper to your head."

LIBERATION!

2004-12-23T13:53:00.000-08:00

[ mood | blah ]
[ music | the clash "know your rights" ]

went to the flea market with shannon and lily. "liberated" a prince tape, a psychedelic furs tape, and a clash tape... omg! and i actually bought billy idol's "Cyberpunk" CD and the cure's "disintegration" and david bowie's "scary monsers" the only reason i bought those were they were in those plastic cases they used to keep tapes in to make them harder to steal, so i didn't feel like risking it. listening to the clash right now, "know your rights" i hate banks. REALLY hate banks. i ran out of fake checks so now my money is immoveable to me unless i got to wal-mart where the bank branch is to get withdrawl slips that i can't get anywhere else. grr! got "curves" magazine last night (a lesbian mag) with le tigre in it. and "bitch" and a crochet magazine. watched saved with good vegan popcorn with my mates. i hate watching all the people, mostly couples, walk by the store, knowing i'm stuck in here until 6. i could choose not to have a job, but... every library but albany county here in laramie has stitch and bitch. grrr! ran into anthony washington, a kid i went to high school with. he was in my sister's class, his brother, andre was in mine, for whom i wrote "caelicola suffuscus" years ago. for having so many annoyances today, i'm in a great mood.

softly...

2004-12-22T15:56:00.000-08:00

[ mood | pensive ]
[ music | siouxise "scarecrow" ]

..Standing on shattered windowpane
Softly I whisper your name
Concealed in bedclothes of frosting cold
Softly the snowflakes start to fall
Fleecing the velvet skin
Suspended in frozen time
Icicles slowly drip outside
To the rhythm of your wounds here inside...
I wanted your lips, yes I wanted your kiss
So softly the moment was gone
Then softly the moment had flown
My body outside yours
Softly collects the falling snow
And disappears far away
So softly
i love siouxsie and the banshees. it's snowing outside. wyoming is so beautiful in the wintertime. my mates and i are renting "saved" tonight, i think. learned to knit. i'm terrible at it, but i'm getting better. watched neverending story (part of it) for the first time in years last night. still scares me. god i love that movie. talked to a guy at med bow today. he hitched here from boulder and decided he liked it so he stayed. seemed interesting enough. he cooks there. dying my hair again for the party. i want something that'll wash out. debating between blue and green and maybe pink, although i had it pink over the summer. lyle thinks its funny i call his brother "the antichrist" and james "el diabloto" (spanish for the worst devil). is it wrong for you to hate someone for saying "i never loved you. i just loved fucking you. that's why i told you i loved you." love is a complicated and painful thing. part of me wants to live the rest of my life without ever experiencing it again. but at the same time i know that sometimes, the pain is worth it.... too musing for my own good tonight...

there is a light that never goes out...

2004-12-21T13:59:00.000-08:00

[ mood | jubilant ]
[ music | the smiths "there is a light that never goes out" ]

last night i called clay b. to find out about the yule celebration and i had missed it already. he invited me over to watch "ikiru" which is a kurosawa movie (ikiru is the japanese verb "to live") it was really great, i thought. one part death of a salesman, one part life as a house. amazing. very reflective of not only japanese culture and work ethic, but is universal in its themes. fell asleep with ten minutes left to the movie and when he turned on the light it woke me up. we listened to some awesome music (i told him with all of his brooding, he's the perfect candidate for a smiths obsession, which i believe has already begun) then he drove me home. touched up my "liebe kann alles" tattoo. sometimes i adore sitting in my room alone reading, knitting/crocheting, tattoing, etc. no one to distract me or tell me how to spend my time. for the first time in a year, i've felt comfortable being solitary again, and am enjoying the time for spiritual and emotional growth. and biking is definitely helping me, even when my i get brain freeze from the wyoming wind. i'm not yet ready to enter into another relationship, nor do i want to, despite the very wonderful opportunities presenting themselves or will possibly presenting themselves, except maybe one... but he's too far away, has too many problems for me to worry about at the moment. i can't wait for the party. i need to go home and borrow my mom's "guns and roses" and "bon jovi" tapes for the mix tapes. i'm making two with totally amazing songs on it. i'm so excited! even if its just the laramie crowd or a few more people, i'll be happy, being surrounded by the beautiful, gifted and kind people that i'm very lucky to have around me. clay dewey or i might be buying matt's old subaru. disturbing to think i'll be owning a car i had sex in two years ago... hahahah. wow. flashback to the party where shoni passed out and mumbled drunkenly in the backseat on the way back to the dorms... before he buried the knife even deeper. now, off to muse and learn to knit.

only you could make whiskey seem sexy...

2004-12-19T10:49:00.000-08:00

Current mood: contemplative
Current music: smiths "well i wonder"

i love it when someone inadvertantly inspires me. last night i touched up my "liebe kann alles" tattoo. it still needs some work, i think. want to tattoo my other toes, but haven't decided what yet. want to get the infinity symbol on the back of my neck (or maybe the eye of Ra). a pentacle on my right foot. the tank girl tattoo i wanted to do is too intricate, i'd fuck it up. keeping it simple for now. next i'm doing "memento mori" under the skull on my leg. it's latin for "remember death" (the story behind the movie memento was titled that). biked to work again this morning; an open car on a passing train. so tempting, although i've never hopped before. i've lived by the tracks the entire time i've lived in wyoming, in douglas and laramie, worked in the coal mines constantly surrounded by them. they fascinate me. so many people visiting/moving to laramie. jason and hal left last night. as frustrated as i get, i love this place. if only there was someone to share it with...

i kinda have a crush on an alcoholic crust punk from denver, among random others. it's insanely hard to date in wyoming if you're an anarchist. i can't date non anarchists, they hate me. the minute they use words like "bitch" or use it was a verb "she was bitching about..." i correct them and they get annoyed. even dating "activist" women turns into a disaster. or they hate the vegan, not shaving, not showering, no deoderant thing. i'm not opposed to dating a non-vegan, but at the same time, it makes our shared meals hard. mais non, c'est la vie. it sucks to hang out with jen and travis, lyle and shannon and whitney and clay, to have a constant reminder of just how single i am. but then last night i had a wonderful night. i sat in bed, touching up my tattoo, watching tori amos, eating oreos and soy milk, glad i can do all these things alone and not have someone bother me. i'm such a virgo that way i guess. i love my solitude. that's probably why i love long distance relationships so much, because i can still have a life of my own AND be with someone. je vive.

hat is tilted, i'm inside, my eyes dream of bedroom surprise...

2004-12-18T14:53:00.000-08:00

[ mood | exhausted ]
[ music | le tigre "viz" ]

last night i biked home with shannon. it was so much fun. i'm so in love with my bike i don't think i'll ever drive again. it's so FAST. tempted to draw a face on the seat saying "sit on my face and tell me that you love me..." from monty python, or a weird smiley facing saying "what's that smell?!" hahahah. cleaned house. biked back into town to see lemony snicket. it was plotless, the characters were very shallow and the stupid nice happy ending made me want to barf. but it was entertaining in that "american" wasting-time kinda way. then we went to shari's and terrorized other customers. brit was dressed all cute and in a suit, looking very genderqueer. clay b. accidentally squirted creamer all over my face. you can think of the dirty jokes yourselves, i'm sure, so i won't repeat them. i never realized how acerbic my personality could be until he described it on his blog. i was joking, but it was rather harsh. damn virgoes. they're all evil, EVIL i tell you. especially the blond haired blue eyed ones; after having your last two boyfriends leave you for this genre, you become an expert. then we went back to ben's apt and watched "saved". then we went to wal-mart where brit and i walked around, looking at arts and crafts stuff. a guy from her high school kept following us, probably not sure about brit, if it was her or just a guy that looked like her :D damn that was funny. then they drove me home. biked into town and went to work, now i'm at room to grow covering for whitney so she can rest a bit between jobs. i was supposed to work all day, but i didn't get home until 2:30 last night, so i wasn't ready to be bored to tears inside all day today. beautiful blue sky, a bit of a breeze that's pretty fucking cold. that's all for now.

still untitled.. comments, critiques?

2004-12-16T16:24:00.000-08:00

posted this on my livejournal, but only for certain friends because some of them are friends with the two who are mentioned in this poem, and i didn't feel like getting my ass kicked over it. some of the events in this poem are real, but most are not, and as this is a work of fiction, and, as an artist, i took artistic licence and embellished/fantasized some of this.

As your lips trace my jawline, your kiss
soft and sweltering, your eyes meet mine.
I am reminded sometimes
of the field we shared, still green
in mid-September, the union of our spirits.
My soul aches at the ties binding us being cut,

like the dream where she cut
off my legs with no anesthesia or medication, the saw's
kiss of death leaving nothing below my kneecaps as she spirits
away with you, and I am helpless to reclaim the love that was mine.
All I'm left with is two stubs, gangrenous and green
and a love I can only feel sometimes,

sort of like the itch that amputees get sometimes
after their legs are cut
off. Like you severed from me, but your green eyes
still tickle below the wounds, trap me in your kisses
and I wish the heart you loved was mine,
wished you loved me with all of your spirit

instead of the gaping hole where her spirit
should be. The hatred I feel for her sometimes
for betraying us, you who were never mine,
hatred for her trendy haircut,
her fashion sense, the soullessness of her kiss,
and that stupid car, it's puke green

color. But my body blooms fresh and green
from the rebirth of my spirit
as I reclaim your kisses
when you visit me at night sometimes,
green like the words that spill out of your mouth and bloom like flowers, I cut
them and tend them as if this garden were mine.

Those words spoken in passionate whispers, into my ears, mine
and not hers, how I love my reflection in your green
eyes, the beauty enough to cut
me to the bone or send me skyclad into ecstacy, my spirit
free in those moments were you make me speak in tongues sometimes.
No god could give me the salvation I feel from your kisses.

But when those lips meet mine in a kiss you, I open my eyes sometimes to meet yours, green and full of spirit,
but find only is the cieling above my bed, realize your touch is my own,
and my heart bleeds as if cut.

wow.

2004-12-16T13:59:00.000-08:00

i just put $20 down on a new bike. it's cruiser style 10 speed with road bike design with fenders (*drools*) never again, thou bastard VW named Wundercar! Wundercar? Wundercar my ass! i'm picking it up tomorrow afternoon after work at mellow yellow. i walked around town today. it was so beauitful. a guy on a crutch saw me walking down the street and said "a knit cap and a cup of coffee... all anyone needs" I laughed and agreed. i love wyoming. i love this world. i love my life. and now, off to munch on the "bunnyhugger" sammich (wow... if i talked anymore like shoni...) i got from med bow natural foods! mmm!

give me the first taste, let it begin, heaven cannot wait forever...

2004-12-16T11:56:00.000-08:00

god i wish i had fiona apple with me...

so yeah. i was biking home last night in a blizzard and got halfway home (a mile and a half, approximately) and ben calls me and asks me where i am. he invites me to trinity. i tell him that i'm on bike and don't really have the ability to come back into town without a ride/place to stay. he offers me a ride home. so i bike back into town and shake off two pounds of snow and wait. we try to play a game of chess but we're talking so much we're not paying attention and decide to go back to my house and watch TV. We watched a "young ones" video and wrestled and he won, mostly, because he's more practiced in martial arts than me. it was fun, though, because it was, well, for fun and not for showing me how cool and macho and buff he can be. we were sitting there talking and i nearly fell asleep. he said "hey, i'm gonna head out, i had a great time, and i'll see you tomorrow" pulled the blankets up onto me and turned out the light. why i was smiling when i fell asleep is your guess as good as mine.

biked into town today again. my sister is living in cheyenne now and is giving me a ride home for crimmus (as my beloved shoni calls it) i'm making her a scarf and hat. i'm going christmas shopping tomorrow. now, off to find a crochet book here at the library and go to salvation army and see if they have any lil kids mountain bikes or bikes with fenders. NE of U kids staying in town for break? if so, we should hang.

tu etes tres cheri, mon ami.

get into the groove!

2004-12-15T15:55:00.000-08:00

i almost forgot, totally 80's dance party at my house new years eve! you're all invited!

until the last beat of my heart...

2004-12-15T15:02:00.000-08:00

[ mood | happy ]
[ music | nora jones that whit is listening to... ]

hmmm... biked to work today because my car is dead this time (well, dead in the sense that if i want to spend fifteen minutes futzing with the starting fluid i could drive it, in theory, if i don't run out of gas first) it started snowing and i'm not dressed for riding in the snow. it is beautiful, though, riding through snowy streets listening to portishead and my ruin. dreamt about ben k. and clayton b. last night, random stuff. i remember kissing one of them, but i can't remember which one. and that i gave a handjob to peter herzog in a truck (peter, who i haven't seen or spoken to in seven years, or even thought about in that time, was my crush from second grade to eighth grade) craziness. open mic night tomorrow. hope some of the kids from slam go. got a blog so i could talk to them, among other ulterior motives. i'll be posting the same things here, for the most part. done for now.

today has a terribly tragic feel to it. think i might hang at med bow or trinity tonight until lyle gets off work to pick me up. i didn't think it would snow, so i wasn't dressed for riding. "someone save me, someone take me away from this awful place!" no seriously, guys, someone call me and take me out tonight. :D

i shiver and shake when i think of how you make me hate...

2004-12-14T15:41:00.000-08:00

ahhh... kinda like a new car smell. now i can verbally eviscerate a certain someone (an ex, for those of you who even care) on my livejournal friends list without having to post in german! yeah!

long, stressful day today. my car was out of gas and wouldn't even start, so i had to bike into town. got my UW student ID. tried to cash my checks but they wouldn't cash them at First Interstate because I didn't have an account and it was an out of town bank, and they wouldn't let me start up an account without a driver's liscence (something i needed the money FOR) so my employer cashed one and i got my driver's licence. that's done with. now i'm at work, wishing i was outside now that the sky is blue again. wishing i wasn't going to go home alone, to eat, sleep and read alone...